I hate everyone in my family so much. They don't care about me at all. We were going to go to see "The Grudge" at 5:05 or something at Grossmont...something. Who gives a shit? So it was 3:40-ish when I found this out. "I have to do my hair" I told Allison and Dad. Obviously this takes an hour at the most, and is rarely shorter than that. So I went upstairs to do my hair, knowing if I did it differently it would get done faster even if it didn't feel as thin as it usually does afterwards. So I straightened my hair. I thought about 45 minutes later that it should be time to go. But nobody had said anything about it. I told dad, "Let's go!" and he seemed angry when he responded. Oook...and he said that it was "too late" to go now. WTF? How? We had like 20 minutes...and all that time is wasted by PREVIEWS! Who cares? So I had to argue. I KNEW that he would change our plans. My parents are so stupid. They lie to me all the time. "We're going shopping on Wednesday!" OK. Wednesday: "I'm too tired, and do you guys REALLY need to buy anything??" WHY???? God!!! So Dad got all pissed off at me for doing my hair! I said that I had told them about it before and that we obviously had enough time to go. We argued and he said we would go at the next time! THREE HOURS LATER? No way. I stormed off into the garage. Allison, being the bitch that she is and always will be, came in and taunted me. She asked what I was doing cuz her Screen Name had been signed on and I had just closed it. I told her it said "Seeing a movie...and maybe dinner, too". So she was "gone". Too bad! "Fine then, we'll just go see the movie without you!" What the hell? So I went back into the house after she walked off and Dad yelled "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" to me. *sigh*...I dunno...maybe NOT SEEING A MOVIE??? So they all ran out to the car as fast as they could. Someone slammed the door closed when they left. I followed a moment later. When I came out to the driveway they were in the car and the car was started. Allison locked the doors. I stuck up a finger and stood by the door, waiting for Dad to unlock it. He did, and I went inside. "Aww! Too bad your stupid little plan didn't work, Allison!" I said. Dad was still mad. As we drove out of the nighborhood he interrogated me about why I spent an hour on my hair. Hmmm...maybe because I have to STRAIGHTEN IT??? I said I TOLD HIM BEFORE, but then he was all like "Well, we were going to go to dinner too!" What the hell? When was this supposed to happen? I told him that I did not remember ever hearing that (besides when it was "too late" and I read Allison's Away Message) and that we should just eat in the theatre. But nooooo, he had to make big fuss about it. OK, it's not like the three of us ALONE could EVER POSSIBLY have a good time together eating dinner. That's absolutely impossible! I knew that if we went to the movie, it would be boring because Allison and Dad would be pissed off and crabby the whole time. As I was thinking this, we continued to argue. He stopped the car and turned around and brought me home. "Good," I said. Who wants to go anywhere with a couple of crabby idiots anyway??? "You can't go on the computer or the TV," Dad said, obviously trying to find some way to punish me without having to actually be around to make sure it works. "Sure," I said sarcastically. Allison kept saying, "Let me sign on so if she closes it she won't know my passwor and can't bring it up again when she's done!" "You be quiet!" Dad said. HAHA!! Stupid Allison... He opened the garage door and we went inside. (OK, my happy thought here: I never even use AIM, so what the hell would th screen name do? I would just play The Sims 2 or make a diary entry! What a moron...) He made me go in the house, away from the computer, as if I was going to start using it if he let me stay in the garage for a minute. He reminded me furiously that I could not do anything while he was gone. I knew he was pissed off, so I sank down into the big blue rocking chair. I never remember the interesting stuff, but somewhere in there we argued again, I was being sassy, he grabbed me and hit me and threatened to do it a million more times. "Now go up to your room," he ordered. "OK, fine!" I said, but he was standing at the foot of the stairs. When people tell me to pass in front of them, I never do it. I always think they will hurt me when I have my back to them. So because of this fear, I instead backed against the wall. He tried to make me go upstairs, but I kept yelling at him to get lost. He finally gave up and walked towards the garage. "Go away! Nobody wants to go anywhere with you anyway!" I shouted. "I don't know what your problem is!" he said facing me again. "I don't HAVE a problem; YOU DO!" I retaliated. "Oh, and what is that??" "You freak out if you don't get your way!" "Oh yeah sure! Well you have an attitude, that's your problem!" "No, YOU'RE the one with the attitude problem. Just go away. Nobody wants to be around you, anyway. Leave!" He opened the door and walked into the garage. I locked the door, assuming that it was over. "You better go in the house or else she might beat you up" I heard Dad say in the garage. I knew who he was talking to. I quickly unlocked the door (he had gotten mad at me yesterday for locking it) and he tossed Cobi inside the house. "Yeah right!" I breathed angrily. "Well that's what you usually do" I heard Dad say. Where the hell did he get that from??He pressed the button to close the garage door. I paced for a moment in the house, then turned back and opened the door quickly. The garage door was half closed. "GOODBYE ASSHOLES!" I screamed, staring at them in the car, still sitting in the driveway. Then I slammed the door. And locked it. I hated him so much at that moment. Not because I didn't get to see the movie, but because he didn't put in any effort to tell me to hurry up and leave. Not even Allison, who had stopped in the bathroom twice, had ever mentioned hurrying up with my hair. Nobody bothered to tell me. Anything. And then they blame me for "taking so long"! How was I supposed to know? I had to get some sort of revenge. Many ideas raced through my mind, all of them things that normal angry people would do. But I did not like to destroy property or deface walls or anything like that. I paced around the kitchen and had an idea. So I grabbed a large bowl from under the counter and filled it up with water. I walked angrily up the stairs and dumped the water onto Dad's side of the bed. Then I refilled the bowl and went into Allison's room. I dumped it on her bed, too. "Aw, no, wait...I think it needs MORE WATER!" I said, thinking as if the bed were a thirsty plant. I joyously refilled the bowl and ceremoniously let the water topple out. Of course, being fond of inanimate objects, I moved her CD player so it would not get destroyed. But her bed was not safe.

This idea came from one time when I did NOT want to altar serve and my mom dumped tons of water onto my bed so I couldn't go back to sleep (it was one of those super early masses). I was pissed off and slept on the other end of my bed. Anyway, I thought this was smart because you are not ruining anything but you are still punishing the person who sleeps there.

Yeah, I probably will get grounded if the water doesn't dry up or soak deep down into the mattress by the time they go to bed. Or I might be grounded already! Who knows?? But nowadays, I don't give a shit. It's not like I have any plans anyway. School is good enough for me. And Mom may be on my side when she gets back home tomorrow. I don't like it when she isn't around. Everything goes bad.

I wish my parents were divorced sometimes. I would have a better life, and Dad wouldn't bother me anymore. Maybe Allison would live with him. I would have more things, that's for sure. Mom and Dad don't agree on lots of things, but I highly doubt that any of that will cause them to split. Oh well. Until then (it'll never happen...), I'm gonna have a bad life at home.

Maybe I can "live" at a friends house someday. You know, not REALLY live there, but just spend all my time there. That would be nice. or a boyfriend's house. Anything is more fun than here.

I wonder if Dad and Allison are watching the movie or eating dinner now? Hmmm...don't care!

I felt sad today while I was tanning (finally!) for many reasons...one was because I just will not accept the fact that I have to graduate and go to college. I can't leave everyone again. Once was enough. Then I left OLP. Then I have to leave West Hills. I hate being a Junior. You know Seniors and you never want them to leave. And you are afraid of new oppertunities (socially) because you are so close to graduating that you don't want to get cauhgt up in something great and then have to end it. Another was that I have to drive. I really am afraid of San Diego. So many people get in accidents. But I have to learn how to drive. I need to help the family. I've already wasted SOOO much time. I didn't take Driver's Ed as a Freshman-Sophomore like everyone else did. I took it when I was a Sophomore-Junior. And then, if that didn't delay me long enough, I still haven't taken the actual Written Test and passed. I took it a week and two days ago and failied. If I got it tomorrow, let's say, then I couldn't get my license until SIX FREAKING MONTHS later! And then I couldn't even help out the family by driving my sisters until November of next year. ONE YEAR AWAY. Why didn't I start it off right? Because I don't want to drive. But at this age you have to do a lot of things. My parents are now even talking about buying me a car. God. Since when did I HAVE TO drive??? And why am I complaining, you ask? Because although I am very mature, I am not mature enough to risk my life and others' on a daily basis. I do not want that responsibility. So many people die. I don't want to be one of them. When you drive on a freeway, you're just ASKING to be killed. Thousands of stupid drivers going 70 MPH and never signaling when they turn. Crazy motorcycle drivers weaving in and out of traffic. Old people going two miles an hour and ruining the traffic flow. Why do these people choose to drive? Don't they see how wrong they are?

It's not like I have to use the freeway to get to school, thank God, but I gotta use it to pick up my sisters. And to get to malls and anywhere intersting. I don't want to have people asking me for directions. I don't want to memorize street names. I don't want to waste all my money on gas. I don't want to have to get my car fixed. I cannot be responsible for that.

I like to be driven places becaue I can relax and I don't have to think. But if I had to ever do the driving, it would be a nightmare. I don't trust people. Nobody signals. Everybody speeds. Nobody drives off fast enough when the light turns green.

I am scared. Driving scares me. I think I have a phobia. lol

It's strange to think that an hour ago from now (5:48 is the time), I was going to see a movie.

Why does everyone change their stories?

Why do people get others' hopes up and then change their mind and expect nobody to be disappointed?

Why are people so doubtful?

I need to be a more honet person, even if it hurts others. I am going to do it. Why should we hide our feelings? it's stupid. I hate what we people have to do to seem "civillized"...it's BS!

Anyway, now that I've calmed down...I guess I'll go watch TV and eat something yummy.

Adios...

--Ash

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